The Town with No Name
The Town with No Name is a western-based adventure video game developed by Delta 4 Interactive and published by On-Line Entertainment for the CDTV. It was ported to MS-DOS a year later.
The Town with No Name stars "The Man with No Name" (no relation to the character played by Clint Eastwood in the Western films A Fist Full of Dollars; For a Few Dollars More; and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly), who gets off a train at the station in the Town with No Name. Upon entering the town, he is quickly confronted by a gunman. Once No Name kills the gunman, a genuine expy of Clint Eastwood's aforementioned character reveals that the gunman was the littlest brother of Evil Eb, the leader of the Hole-in-the-Head outlaw gang, and warns that Eb will send the rest of his gang after No Name to kill him. No Name then explores the town's buildings in between each encounter with one of the gang members, either by interacting with the inhabitants or playing a few mini-games.
The gameplay is divided into two forms. The first is a standard point-and-click adventure, with multiple options presented on screen with a short animated scene following what decision the player has made. The other form of gameplay is similar to a light gun game where the player must quickly click on a target before the target shoots back, killing the player.
Why It (Intentionally?) Sucks
NOTE: Due to the overall quality of the game, it is possible that this was made to be bad as a joke.
- Awful mix of graphics; the 2D models are extremely poorly drawn and look like they were made with Microsoft Paint, and the 3D models look they were poorly made with 3D Construction Kit/Virtual Reality Studio.
- The DOS version looks even worse, as all the graphics are horribly dithered and compressed due to most DOS at the time not having the graphics capabilities of the Amiga.
- The voice acting is so garbled and atrocious that you might even wonder if it was really done by human beings. What's more, because the game was developed in the UK, about half of the actors don't bother attempting American accents at all, while the others put on awful-sounding imitations of an American accent. According to WatchMojo, the protagonist sounds like a robot Arnold Schwarzenegger in an abandoned building. Likewise, YouTuber Retsupurae compares his voice to "John Wayne with a stroke", and according to Joel from Vinesauce, the characters sound like aliens trying to decipher the human language.
- The story is bad and it feels like a generic Western movie.
- The music is awful. The only decent bit of music is the opening credits theme (a remix of the main theme from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly), and even there they screwed up the sound mixing, meaning that most of the instruments are inexplicably panned to the right. The opening music in the church is the worst, as it can easily be considered ear-splitting (courtesy of "The Jester", a barely credited musician). In addition, the opening song on the DOS version is even worse than the one in CDTV, as it’s just two short loops of music.
- The sound, in general, is poorly mixed with the music often drowning out the voices. Some of the voice samples in the CDTV version don't play correctly, starting late and/or finishing early, leaving you unsure exactly what the characters are meant to be saying.
- False advertising for two reasons:
- On the back and the front it looks like it's going to be live-action, yet in reality, the game is animated. Also pictures are also out of focus and of poor quality, adding to the game's amateurish feel.
- And on the bottom it claims to be “Entertainment for All Ages”, but the game is filled with violence and blood; in one scene, the Man with No Name has sex (off-screen) with a prostitute; and in one of the endings, No Name kills an innocent young boy in cold blood for incorrectly calling him Shane.
- The game flows very unevenly with scenes that appear to happen for no reason, many of which are never referenced again. Said uneven flow also makes the game's story hard to follow.
- For example, in one cutscene, the Clint Eastwood expy asks a Lee van Cleef expy, who is never given a proper introduction or seen again, if he "has the right time". The middle-aged man then opens his pocket watch, revealing a realistic-looking photo of a young girl on the inside of the lid. Suspenseful music box/pipe organ music plays for about 20 seconds while the scene remains fixed on this image before the music suddenly stops and the van Cleef expy replies with a nearly-inaudible "No".
- Plus, if No Name chooses to shoot the Eastwood expy at the blacksmith, the latter will draw his gun more quickly and shoot off No Name's head without any bloodshed, ending the game in defeat.
- When Evil Eb's littlest brother and three other outlaws — Nasty Ned, Massive Jake, and Bad Bart — are killed, the town's undertaker, Mr. Diablo, slides across the screen while a short organ rendition of the Funeral March ending with an out-of-tune church bell plays. It is presumed that he picks up their bodies for burial, but it seems nonsensical to include this scene because it's a redundant reminder of the outlaws' deaths. A popular fan nickname for him is "Retarded Abraham Lincoln" given his stove pipe top hat, beard with no mustache, and disturbing facial expression. For reasons unknown, when Zippy Zeke and Crafty Clint are killed, Mr. Diablo is replaced by the Grim Reaper, who materializes out of a fiery portal in the sky and spins around for a couple of seconds as it descends to the ground, showing itself to be a crude two-dimensional sprite.
- Being killed at any point sends you back to the beginning of the game with no opportunities to save your progress. This wouldn't be too bad if most of the outlaw duels weren't based on trial-and-error and there was actually a way to skip scenes that you already completed. This mechanic was probably used to pad out the game's short length (it can be completed in less than 30 minutes if played in full, even less if the player doesn't stop to do any activities in the buildings that bear no weight on the story).
- There is no instruction manual under the cover, just a blank white page.
- Most of the jokes fall painfully flat.
- The text for the “Meanwhile” splash screen randomly uses the same font as that of the Back to the Future trilogy logo. At the same time, the "Back in Town..." card uses the same font as that of the logo for the Beverly Hills Cop trilogy.
- You can end the game by simply going back on the train you leave at the start of the game, which then blasts off into space in a manner similar to the Millennium Falcon spaceship from the Star Wars film saga (one of the game's unused audio files is the standard Star Wars end credits music, which was likely cut due to copyright). This allows the player to complete the story in as quickly as 2 seconds!
- Half of the time, the characters' lips don't move when they talk. The other half of the time, their lip movements are low-effort, looping animations that do not sync with the dialogue being spoken at all.
- When No Name beats gang member "Wildcard" Willy McVee in a poker game in the saloon, there are no hints that you need to kill him while he is talking before he shoots you from under the table.
- The ending is terrible: it turns out that the game's entire plot was just a misunderstanding. No Name was in the wrong town at the wrong time, so he buys the leader of the criminal gang, Evil Eb — who mistook him for a man called Billy-Bob — a round of whiskey despite the slight matter of his having murdered Eb's entire gang.
- Sometimes the models of the characters change which makes no sense.
- The cursor in the CDTV version moves so slow, yet at one time, when you need to kill Zippy Zeke, you need to quickly do it before he kills you. He is so fast that the sluggish cursor makes him nearly impossible to kill.
- The game doesn't give you any proper instructions during the story.
- If you die, the camera comes careening towards your grave to the sound of an airplane crash-landing, followed by a horribly drawn picture of No-Name in heaven, and it just makes no sense.
- Lots of loading times, especially when played on the CDTV.
- The DOS version doesn't bother updating the tutorial, rendering it completely useless and nonsensical, as it frequently references the CDTV's controller, despite it not being compatible with PCs and nothing which remotely resembles it being available for the platform.
The Only Redeeming Quality
- The game is one of the 'so bad, it's good' games due to its poor production values, weak animation, and low-effort voice acting.
- It has spawned some popular memes, like Mr. Diablo (the Abraham Lincoln lookalike undertaker who slides across the screen after many of the outlaws are killed, presumably to pick up their bodies for burial), "Give me a drink, Bartender!", "Do you have the right time, old man?", and "My name's not Shane, kid!" (a reference to the 1953 film Shane).
- You can finish the game right after the intro by selecting "Get back on the train".