Blog:A hypothetical bad NES game

Hey guys. Haven’t been here a while, but I’m back to share my idea for an NES game so horrible it could make the AVGN go more ballistic than he ever did with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Heroes of the Fall is an unlicensed action game released on the NES in 1993. It is notable for being the worst game on the NES, as well as its rarity; only about 1,500 copies are known to exist; they were found in a warehouse in 2001. It was also developed by a company called Espey’s, which was led by the infamous duo Hatwan al-Salhoob and Jose Antonio, who came to the United States in the early 1970s and were deported to their respective home countries (Saudi Arabia and Mexico, respectively) after being found guilty of many crimes in a 1996 trial, from connections to the Sicilian Mafia, to severe cocaine addiction (resulting in al-Salhoob crashing a 1959 Chevrolet Impala, to even first-degree murder.

Premise
Three businesspeople (Greg, Harv, and Olympia) become superheroes after accidentally slipping into a toxic waste pit. They plan on stopping Enzeljeim, an African-American mad scientist. There are two endings. The good ending involves Enzeljeim being necklaced, and the bad ending shows the heroes imprisoned.

According to the description on the back: “Put three heros in 12-level adventur of huge portuns. Excelet luck playr!

Why It Sucks

 * 1) Several celebrities have had their likenesses used in the cutscenes without their permission, including Tom Hanks (Greg), Bob Costas (Harv), Roseanne Barr (Olympia), Bill Cosby (Enzeljeim), and Ray Combs (The President).
 * 2) Ridiculous premise: Why would superheroes be businesspeople?
 * 3) Horrible cover. The description on the back is misleading (for example, it mentions 12 levels, when there are only four) and in Engrish, obviously written by al-Salhoob and Antonio.
 * 4) False advertising: the game’s cover claimed to have been sold at a discount, with a higher price crossed off followed by the lower price, even though it was never sold for the higher price. This is illegal in certain countries. The back of the box also touts 12 levels, when in reality, there’s only four.
 * 5) No instruction manual.
 * 6) The heroes are all unlikable. For example, one enemy you can kill is a kid. Many enemies throughout the levels are innocent people. Even the supposed villain, Enzeljeim, is more likable! The “heroes” also NECKLACE ENZELJEIM, a person who wanted to create a utopia free of war, and felt that the only way to accomplish this goal was violence. The icing on the cake? Not only do the “heroes” get away with this, they are also personally rewarded with medals by the President.
 * 7) Absolutely no variety between levels.
 * 8) If you stand still for five seconds, you die.
 * 9) Delayed controls; it takes exactly three seconds for buttons to react.
 * 10) Enzeljeim is also CALLED THE “N” WORD in one cutscene.
 * 11) The advertising was also disgusting, with one commercial showing an image of a dog that had been run over. Another ad also showed an ACTUAL, UNALTERED IMAGE OF A MAN’S CORPSE. In addition, some of the ads were offensive to African-Americans, including ONE AD WHERE A CAR WITH AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN FAMILY CRASHES INTO THE SEA! The worst part? The husband was ACTUALLY KILLED, AND HIS FAMILY SUFFERED SEVERE INJURIES!
 * 12) Shrill voice samples.
 * 13) Enzeljeim’s sprite is also naked, complete with a penis.
 * 14) THE FIRST INTRO SLIDE DIRECTLY USES THE “F” WORD!
 * 15) You can’t duck as any of the characters, and in Olympia’s (the female hero) case, JUMP.
 * 16) An annoying three-second music loop that plays almost throughout the entire game, except for the title screen, which outright steals the mh:besttvshows:Jeopardy! theme song, the ending cutscene, which plays an earbleeding song that tries to be patriotic, and the credits, which plays a terrible earbleeding unauthorized 8-bit adaptation of Stairway to Heaven. One kid actually had his ears bleed out when he heard the cutscene music after competing the game. In an exposé, al-Salhoob and Antonio were reported to be laughing hysterically at this.
 * 17) Sickly, overly bright graphics that are actually capable of causing seizures. They are also a complete mess; digitized and cartoony sprites populate the levels.
 * 18) A zoomed-in camera, allowing plenty of cheap deaths.
 * 19) Only four levels, which is not enough to justify the game’s $99.99 price tag.
 * 20) No pause feature.
 * 21) Slippery physics.
 * 22) Misleading power ups; an example being the heart, which kills you in one hit.
 * 23) Very punishing level design, with cheap obstacles and an EXTREME overuse of death blocks, spikes, and deaths in mid-air. It is rumored that nobody finished this game until 2001.
 * 24) The supposed “novis” (supposed to be “novice”) mode is actually even harder than the normal setting!
 * 25) Horrid control where pressing up on the D-pad makes you jump.
 * 26) The cutscenes feature grammatically-incorrect Engrish, tons of typos, and outdated slang.
 * 27) THERE IS AN IMAGE OF AN ACTUAL NECKLACING IN ONE OF THE GOOD ENDING SLIDES.
 * 28) Nearly all the enemies are on the air, an especially big problem since you can’t duck.
 * 29) All the weapons are terrible, an example being the rock, since it always goes in an arc, rarely making its target. The worst is the bazooka, which, while supposed to be powerful, doesn’t do anything if you try to shoot.
 * 30) * On that note, you also can’t kill anything without dying, unless you use the rock. Yes, even with guns.
 * 31) Overly long, 30-letter passwords. If you make even one typo, you have to start over.
 * 32) One-hit deaths, one life, and no continues. One mistake, and you have to go back to the beginning.
 * 33) Lame ending that only consists of a still shot of the heroes being given medals, with an American flag in the background and the words “Conglaturation! You saved America and it is people! Good luck, and take good rest! - The Presdent” below. Not to mention it only appears when you kill every enemy in every level; if you don’t kill every enemy, the bad ending always plays.
 * 34) Tons of typos in the credits screen.
 * 35) al-Salhoob and Antonio could not take criticism, going so far as to CHARGE A MAGAZINE TWICE just for giving it a negative review, killing another critic by secretly slipping poison in his food, and wrote “BEST OF THE YEAR!” on the cover, credited to an “NES Weekly”. In addition, they were revealed to be scam artists just two years after the game’s release. They were also revealed to be sexual predators who BLAMED INNOCENT WORKERS for their misdeeds, as well as working them long hours with almost no pay, and would even CUT LIMBS OFF OTHER WORKERS FOR WANTING BETTER CONDITIONS.
 * 36) Enzeljeim’s sprite is a black stereotype on par with those seen on Merrie Melodies in the 30s and 40s.
 * 37) All the selections in the level select crash the game.
 * 38) The Game Over screen actually mocks the player, with a sound byte of an evil laugh, and text saying, ad vertabim, “You can not do anyting, so do not evn tri; why bother?”
 * 39) A final boss that takes 24 hits.
 * 40) Fake difficulty, where if you land anywhere but dead center, you fall through. In addition, even after you complete the level, you can still die.
 * 41) It somehow got an SNES port in 1994, but it turned out even worse, with worse control, even more seizure-inducing graphics, and no passwords.
 * 42) This game was revealed to be part of a large-scale Ponzi scheme.

The Only Redeeming Quality

 * 1) The bad ending is actually satisfying, showing the heroes imprisoned.

Reception
The game was universally panned. One magazine, EGM, gave it a 1/10. The Angry Video Game Nerd said on his review that this game was worse than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 