BMX Ninja

"BMX Ninja is an absolutely appalling game. It may have only cost £1.99 new, but that's no excuse for being tedious, fun-free dross. And, of course, it commits a major crime in deceiving buyers with its title and cover, because as you would've noticed by now, there's actually nothing ninja-related in this game whatsoever!"

- Stuart Ashen

BMX Ninja is a 1988 sports game developed and published by Alternative Software for major 8-bit home computers.

Plot
After a hard days training with the freestyle team at the local dirt track, Phil "Pookie" Wheeler, unofficial BMX Ninja, whilst travelling home on his bike, a Blackfoot Falcon, was set upon by a rival team, the Diamond Backs, whose leader is intent on gaining the ultimate street cred. Your title.

You must prove to yourself and your girlfriend that you are capable of keeping your title. Should you fail in your task, you will not only lose your title, you will lose your girlfriend (who wants to be seen with a loser anyway?) and your dignity. Should you succeed, you will be rewarded by your girlfriend. Should you complete a certain number of areas, you will recieve the ultimate reward from her. (We're not telling you what it is, so find out yourself if you can.)

Why It Sucks

 * 1) The plot from the cassette inlay and the in-game instructions seem to be written by someone who is semi-literate.
 * 2) Bland monochrome graphics on all platforms, even on the Commodore 64.
 * 3) Unresponsive controls.
 * 4) Repetitive gameplay. You have to destroy a certain amount of bike enemies on a static screen until the BMX Ninja meter at the bottom of the screen fills up.
 * 5) The enemy bikes look exactly the same as the player's bike, making them impossible to tell apart if there's more than one enemy bike onscreen.
 * 6) All the levels play exactly the same, the only difference is that they have different backgrounds.
 * 7) Every time you die, the BMX Ninja meter resets to zero.
 * 8) There's a complete lack of any music, even on the Commodore 64, which was refined for its music.
 * 9) Poor sound effects.
 * 10) After completing the eighth level, the game goes right back to the first level.
 * 11) False advertising: despite what the title and cover imply, there is nothing ninja-related in this game whatsoever.

Reception
While none of the game magazines of the late 1980s bothered to review BMX Ninja, Stuart Ashen reviewed the game in 2009 as part of his Terrible Old Games You're Probably Never Heard Of video series, and he derided the game for its bland graphics, repetitive and boring gameplay, as well as the blatant false advertising.

Trivia

 * In between levels, a female sprite (representing Pookie's girlfriend) is shown. By beating a level, she removes an article of clothing until the 8th level, where she is naked and holds a sign saying "Extra Life". By beating the level, you go back to level 1 and earn another life. Perhaps this is what the "ultimate reward" was.

Videos
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