Noah's Adventures

Noah's Adventures is an adventure game released on May 21, 2004 for mh:awesomegames:Microsoft Windows. It was developed and published by Cougar Interactive. It's loosely based on the Bible story of Noah's Ark.

Why It Intentionally Sucks

 * 1) Atrocious graphics on par with Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing and are more reminiscent of a Dreamcast game. To add salt on the wound, this game was released in 2004, the same year as games such as mh:awesomegames:Half-Life 2, mh:awesomegames:Halo 2, mh:awesomegames:Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, and Far Cry, all of which have been praised for their graphics.
 * 2) * Noah's three sons are the same model, with different clothes.
 * 3) * The horse's legs don't touch the ground, so the horse just floats.
 * 4) * Speaking of which, the horse is almost as big as the elephant, and Noah is larger than both of them.
 * 5) * The cutscenes are laughably bad. The opening is the worst offender, featuring birds that stay perfectly still in mid air, trees that clip through the ground, people that float, and Noah sometimes glitches and warps from the top to the bottom of a hill and vice versa.
 * 6) Terrible MIDI soundtrack (what little is present, at least).
 * 7) The game modes make no sense, even in the context of the game. The game modes are:
 * 8) * Hide and Seek: Find the animals inside the Ark.
 * 9) * Animal Adventure: Find a way to lure the animals in the Ark.
 * 10) * Creature Quiz: A standard quiz about animals.
 * 11) The developer tried without success to hide loading screens, since at the beginning of the game a loading screen showing a picture of Noah on the Ark appears, but the game doesn't tell you that it's loading.
 * 12) The controls are clustered around the keyboard. This turns the mere act of walking into a chore, as you need to hold down the left mouse button to move, while sprinting (which you'll use a lot, considering the game's horrible default movement speed) requires you to hold either the Up arrow, the Left Shift or the Right Shift keys.
 * 13) The game has little to no animations, and what little there are end up being very cheap to boot. It's not hard to notice that the animals are missing several frames of animation, so they just begin walking, but they then suddenly transition into the new position.
 * 14) What little educational value the game has is shot dead as early as the opening cutscene, which is a perfect show of the game's unintentional hilarity. The horrible writing, made even worse by the terrible dialogue (what little there is, at least), and the overall context make very hard for anyone to learn anything from this game.
 * 15) * The paintings you can find inside the Ark all have stereotypical Christian sentences written on them, which shows how bad the developer's understanding of Christianity and the Bible is.
 * 16) * The voice acting is Ride to Hell: Retribution levels of bad, and is just as unintentionally hilarious.
 * 17) * The requests you will receive from the animals in the Animal Adventure game make no sense: a panda asks you a cooking pot, a lion asking you a flower, and a sheep asking for a copy of the Bible.
 * 18) * In the Animal Adventure game, you can also find a football field with a ball and nets you can play with, though it serves no real purpose.
 * 19) The audio is horribly mixed. In the main menu, whenever you highlight an option, an ear-bleeding, high-pitched voice will spell it out loud. In the "Sounds" section of the menu (a simple jukebox/sound test to listen the cries of different animals), the panda cry is horribly mixed and much louder than every other sound in the game, which can catch you off guard.
 * 20) The same three horrible voices are recycled for the whole game, and it's not hard to notice that Noah shares his voice with God. Noah's friends also have the same voice as the announcers of the Creature Quiz.

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