Blog:Super Mario Sunshine (joke page)

As a present for 2020's Christmas, I made this page. As I ironically hate this game, I consider this to be the greatest page of all time with no flaws whatsoever.

(The 69,420th page on Crappier Gamesier Wikier!)

"HOW DID THIS GAME COME INTO EXISTENCE? It isn't even a game I mean (stutters) it the only interactivity is collecting Sprite Cranberries and listening to F.L.U.D.D.'s annoying ass! It's as less of a video game as possible! Tiger Electronic handheld games were more in depth than this! There's no goal, other than see how much Sprite Cranberries you can collect before wanting to blow your brains out! In other words, "how much do you like Sprite Cranberry?""

- Slightly Irritated Video Game Geek

Not-so-Super Mario SuckShite is a 2002 3D platformer "developed" and published by Nintendo for the GameSphere (y'know, the console that's SPHERICAL!!!!!!). Despite being developed under Nintendo's Name, it was actually ghost-developed by 400 million hamsters with basic drawing skills, with Kensuke Tanabe (AKA the donkey-faced shithole that ruined Paper Mario) leading the development team. Todd Howard and Offended Little Bitch Tom Hanks later joined the development team at last minute, just days before the game was finished, resulting in a lot of content getting cobbled together and heavily rushed.

The game would later be """""remastered""""" (actually ported with as little budget as possible, $15.25 dollars to be exact) on the Nintendo Bitch as part of Supah Mayro 3D All-Shit, along with Supra Mareeo 64,000 Punds and Soopurr loojy Gallsexy (two mediocre AF games, though not nearly as bad as this period blood storm).

Plot
Mario, Peach, and several Toads go on a vacation to Isle Delfino, a tropical resort island shaped like a dolphin. Unfortunately, one of the Toads says "mAn, WuTs Da FuK ThIs StIcKy PaInT sHiT!?!?!", leading to officers Frank Tenpenny and Eddie Pulaski to arrest Mario and force him to do their dirty work.

Why It SUCKS THE SUN'S ROUND BIG TESTICLES!

 * 1) The plot is a blatant rip-off of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, as both plots involve the protagonists being forced to do dirty work for corrupt police officers while trying to free their brothers from prison after getting arrested because of said corrupt police officers.
 * 2) The voice acting, holy fucking shit! Bowser sound like the Cookie Monster, Peach sounds like a flamingo being strangled, and the toads all sound like they're screaming on top of their lungs AT ALL TIMES.
 * 3) Bowser Jr., that little shit, makes his debut in the series as a whiny stupid rotted testicle eater.
 * 4) *He's also a major simp, as he constantly kidnaps Peach and even CALLS HER "MOMMA PEACH"!!!!!!!!! Please take a few minutes to view this image and laugh at this simp to show him that it is NOT OKAY TO BE A SIMP!!!!!!
 * 5) The level designs are SLIMY MUDHOLES that are surrounded by rock walls on 3 sides and the ocean on the 4th. wHAT THE FRIKKIN FRICK HAPPENED TO DIVERSE LEVEL DESIGN?!?!!??! KENSUCKASS TANABE MUST BE A CONFIRMED BIOMEIST (prejudice against certain biomes)!!!!!!
 * 6) The camera still controls like ass, and Mario can't even punch anymore since he's now a dumb soyboy slaving for two dumb doods.
 * 7) *Since long jumping is gone, this means backwards long jumping is GONE AS WELL!!! HOW IS SIMPLE "MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN SONS OF BITCHIN' FUCK FUCK FUCKIN'" FLIPS SUPPOSED TO PLAY THIS!?!?!?!?!?!
 * 8) FLUDD is an annoying bucket of buffalo semen that NEVER SHUTS UP about his controls and reminding Mario about stupid ass things like the High Elves and that he hasn't completed his Duolingo lessons. His 4 modes are equally terrible:
 * 9) *His water gun mode simply sprays people with water. YEAH, LIKE THAT WILL DO TWAT-DIDDLY-COCK-DICK!
 * 10) *hIS HOVER MODE IS A JETPACK. Wow, how creative.
 * 11) *His turbo mode yeets you to another galaxy, KILLING YOU INSTANTLY.
 * 12) *His rocket mode also yeets you to another galaxy, but vertically. Oooooooohh, how exciting, getting yeeted vertically is always so much fun.
 * 13) Some missions involve doing challenging platforming courses without using F.L.U.D.D., which even cheap would say is cheap. Some examples of cheapness include the shit physics, Rubik's Cubes taking you to the shadow realm, Piantas trying to shove Mario up their shitshoots, and falling through solid platforms.
 * 14) Enemy designs are complete shit, with some of them resembling Kensuke Wannabe's testicles (you'll need at least 10 magnifying glasses to see those tiny little things). The Boos and Pokeys look stoned off the green shit, and the Koopas look like they've been doing meth. The Goombas are by far the worst, as they look like they've done every drug known to mankind, YOU GOTTA SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 15) In a desperate attempt to cash in on the trend video games trying to be like movies, Kensuckdeeznuts Tanabe made it so that the framerate never goes above 20FFS.
 * 16) Adding to above, the graphics are insanely blurry, with it being extremely hard to see what's 10 foots in from of Mario. THE EXSESSIVE HEAT WAVES AIN'T HELPIN SHIT EITHER!!!!
 * 17) Eggplant shitass boss fights. The majority of them plays this stupid track that sound like the Fat Bastard wreaking havoc on a toilet after eating 50 Chipotle bean burritos.
 * 18) * You fight piranha plant that's been possessed by the paint not one, not twice, not three times, not four times, BUT FIVE FUCKING TIMES, AND IT'S THE EXACT SAME FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 19) * To defeat the piranha plant that wears red speedos named "Peter Griffin" (not to be confused with the extremely hot protagonist of the same name from the anime Family Guy), you have to fill his stomach up with water, clearly showing that Tanabutt has a big belly fetish. To quote Jafar from Aladdin: "Eww..."
 * 20) *You literally defeat a boss by cleaning his teeth. WHAT KIND OF STUPIS-ASS IDEA IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!
 * 21) *The final boss fight is Bowser while he's taking a cocking bath, clearly ripping off the scene from The Simpsons where Bart hits Homer while he was taking a bath. At this point I'm not even surprised this shit would have such a retardily stupid final boss fight.
 * 22) The virgin SMS Yoshi vs. the Chad SMW Yoshi:
 * 23) * Evaporates the second he touches water.
 * 24) * Can only use him for a limited time.
 * 25) * Can't be green, can't sing, can't dance, and PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN FUCK.
 * 26) The power stars are replaced with Sprite Cranberries, blatant product placement. The reason for this change is because Offended Little Bitch Tom Hanks got offended his favorite soda wasn't in the game.
 * 27) DESPITE BEING OPEN WORLD LIKE SUPER MARIO 64, IT'S LINEAR AS FUCK. THE GAME HOLDS YOUR HAND FOR EVERY SPRITE CRANBERRY YOU HAVE TO COLLECT, AND YOU HAVE TO COLLECT THEM IN THE EXACT ORDER THEY TELL YOU TO OR ELSE THE GAME WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SHIT ON YOUR DESK.
 * 28) You're better of eating shit and dying than 100% completing this game.
 * 29) *The blue coins suck ass, as they aren't worth five coins like in Red Wario 64, and you have to wait through a long ass save screen EVERY TIME YOU COLLECT ONE OF THESE MOLDY TOMATO ASSES!!!!!
 * 30) *All you get for getting every Sprite Cranberry is a post card from Chikensuke Tanabe telling you to shove the postcard up your dog's ass, and includes a dick pic, but you'll need at least 10 microscopes to see it as mentioned above.
 * 31) *The watermelon mission is UNREALISTIC! ONE SIMPLY DOES NOT GROW WATERMELONS THAT HUGE WITHOUT FUCKING THEM 10 TIMES A DAY AND GIVING THEM ASTEROIDS!!!!
 * 32) *One level requires you to take Yoshit on a slow-ass boat to an island with a pipe covered in Pianta nut, and then have Yoshit eat the semen to go in the pipe, which is just fucking gross and tedious. But that's not the worst part, you have to transverse a RIVER OF LIQUID SHIT WHILE COLLECTING 8 BLOOD TOKENS IN ORDER TO GET THE SPRITE CRANBERRY!!! IF MAERO TOUCHES THE LIQUID DIEARRHEA, HE GETS SO GROSSED OUT THAT HE DIES!!! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE A PLUMBER YOU DUMBASS???? YOU SHOULD BE USED TO SWIMING THROUGH SHIT!!!!
 * 33) *As Kensuke Tanbutt was taking notes from Konami, one is a levels is (please read the upcoming in Jim Sterling's voice) a fucking pachinko machine! A goddamn fucking pachinko machine!?!??!?!?! PACHINKO MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 34) *One of the levels involves Mario getting tossed by Piantas, but thanks to RNG, they do stupid shit instead like asking Mario if he ever heard of the High Elves, throw him off the lever, or even kiss Mario, resulting in the Pianta turning into a human prince.
 * 35) *The final level in the game, Offended Little Bitch Tom Hanks Mountain. Enough said.
 * 36) *WORST OF ALL, THE COMPLETION PERCENTAGE ONLY GOES UP TO 99.97% AFTER 100% COMPLETING THE GAME. CAN'T KENSUKE TANOBHEAD DO SIMPLE MATH!?!?!? HOW STUPID IS HE?!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!
 * 37) Each level has a Sprite Cranberry you collect after getting 100 coins, BUT ALMOST NONE OF THE LEVELS HAVE ENOUGH COINS DO DO SO, MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO 100% HE GAME WITHOUT HACKS!!!!
 * 38) You cant pause the game when jumping, diving, swimming, climbing, running, walking, standing, laying down, using F.L.O.P.P., talking, "punching" (when in reality Mario does some dumb flinch), carrying something, collecting a Sprite Cranberry, eating, drinking, screaming, pissing, shitting, choking the gecko, fucking your super hot step-sister, fucking a Pianta, going over 100MPH in your dad's cool-ass 1969 Ford Mustang Mach 1, punching Offended Little Bitch Tom Hanks in his stupid offended face, and last but not least, trying to imitate Lord Fredrik's smooth moves when fighting him in Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze.
 * 39) False advertising: Despite being mentioned in the trailers and back of the cover as being unrightfully locked in prison, Luigi isn't even fucking mentioned.
 * 40) *Speaking of prison, shouldn't Yoshi be in prison at this point since he was on the run for committing tax fraud in SMW?
 * 41) *Apparently the reason he was cut was because Offended Little Bitch Tom Hanks got offended at his glorious moustache.
 * 42) Thanks to our lord and savior Todd Howard being involved in late development, the game is a GODDAMN BUG ZOO!!!!! BUT HEY, HE SAID IT "JUST BARELY WORKS", SO I GUESS THIS WILL DO!!!!! THANKS TODD HOWARD, I'LL MAKE SURE TO PAY FOR YOUR PREMIUM CONTENT ON ONLYFANS LATER THIS WEEK.
 * 43) DID I MENTION THE CAMERA CONTROLS LIKE PISSCOCK!?
 * 44) The Piantas are FUCKING ASSHOLES! They constantly punch Mario in his balls, chuck him into a wall face first, are STUPID FUCKING IDIOTS who can't tell the difference between an apple and a rhinoceros ass, and are blind as fuck and need glasses, as they thought Mario and Bowser Jr. were the same person.
 * 45) Yoshi is worse than he was in SMW, as he now commits insurance fraud in addition to tax fraud.
 * 46) Buttfuck quality voice acting. I know I mentioned it earlier, BUT IT HAS TO BE MENTIONED TWICE!!!!!!!!
 * 47) Oh yeah, you also can't pause the game while playing the game. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN SUPPOSED TO PAUSE THIS SHIT!?!?
 * 48) *The only way you can pause the game is by saying the SJW phrase "AnNoYiNg OrAnGe BaD, sMiLiNg OlD lAdY gOoD", suggested by none other than Offended Little Bitch Tom Hanks.
 * 49) Can someone please punch all the Piantas in their dick-like noses?

3D All-Shit Remaster

 * 1) Inverted camera, a feature designed for vegans (fuck those retards), IS FORCED UPON US, TURNING THIS GAME INTO PRO-VEGAN PROPAGANDA IN ADDITION TO SJW PROPOGANDA!!!
 * 2) The frame-rate is still fucking ballsack wrinkles BTW.
 * 3) As if the cutscenes couldn't get any worse, THE CUTSCENES HERE ARE ALWAYS ZOOMED IN ONTO MARIO'S FAT ASS! wHAT A BUNCH OF SIMAS (SUCKER IDOLIZING MEDIOCRE ASS)!!!!!!!
 * 4) F.L.O.P.P.A. doesn't even tell you what buttons you need to press to use his worthless ass. If you have the subtitles off, THEN YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THE TUTORIALS ONLINE LIKE A CHEATER! WHAT A COCKHOLE!!
 * 5) uSING TURBO MODE UNDERWATER WILL CAUSE THIS COOL ASS SPECIAL EFFECT, BUT IT WASN'T ADJUSTED FOR WIDESCREEN DISPLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS MY FAVORIT THING ABOUT THIS TRASH HEAP YOU PIECES OF COCK NOODLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 6) Like a bunch of fucking idiots Nintendumb hired a dolphin from SeaWorld to port this game into the shit-ass collection, which causes the game to be as glitchy as Flopout 76.
 * 7) *All the hitboxes and debug boxes ARE VISIBLE! THIS COMPLETELY RUINS ANY AND ALL CHALLENGE SINCE YOU KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO AND WHO/WHAT/WHEN/WHERE/WHY/AND HOW TO DO IT!!!
 * 8) *You need to clean up as less sticky paint shit than usual, BUT THAT MAKES THE GAME SHORTER!!!!!!! I WANT TO PLAY A GAME AS LONG AS MY UNGODLY LONG PENUS.
 * 9) *Opening the menu causes a lag spike so severe, IT TAKES SEVERAL HOLYFUCKINGSHITTING HOURS TO PULL UP AND CLOSE JUST ONE. COCKING. MOTHER. FUCKING. ASSING UP THE ASS MENU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 10) YOU CAN'T EVEN USE A GAMESPHERE CONTROLLER, YET YOU CAN DO SO WITH OTHER bITCH GAMES!?!?!!?!?!?! WHAT!?!? JUST, FUCKING, WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!/1/1
 * 11) *PULLING UP THE CONTROLLER BINDING IN THE MENU STILL SHOWS THE GAMESPHERE CONTROLLER EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE USING A BITCH CONTROLLER! THANKS FOR RUBBING THAT BULLSHIT IN MY FACE, ASSCRACK LOVER!!!!!!
 * 12) THERE'S CENSOR BLEEPS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!! IT'S AS IF THE ORIGINAL WASN'T PRO-POLICIAL CORRECTNESS ENOUGH!
 * 13) They somehow fucked the widescreen support DIRECTLY UP THE RECTUM!!!! Instead of a 16:9 aspect ratio, IT'S A 32:9 ASPECT RATIO, MAKING EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE WIDE PUTIN!!!!!!!!!!!

The Only Redeeming Qualities

 * 1) Thankfully Kensukunt Tanabe would later get fired after Nintendo discovered he was smoking Lo Mein during development of this game, Todd Howard left Nintendo to develop Pokémon Sword and Shield and its sequels Pokémon Democrat and Republican, and Offended Little Bitch Tom Hanks got so offended one day he exploded in a fiery, violent explosion after discovering he was a straight white man.
 * 2) F.U.K.K. dies in the end.
 * 3) It's actually a good thing Luigi doesn't appear in this dumpster fire, as that would've been super embarrassing for him and would most likely have hurt his career.

Reception
While Super Mario Sunshine received widespread critical acclaim initially, the game has been panned retrospectively, and is considered one of the worst games of all time. It is widely believed the reason the game got such positive reviews initially is because 2002 was considered one of the worst years for the entertainment industry, and this garbage was somehow a "diamond in the rough". If that's the case, then we need to wipe everything made in 2002 out of existence (except for The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City).

MASTERFUL CRITIQUES OF THIS OSTRICH SHIT
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Comments
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