Blog:ThunderKat's First Impressions: Ride to Hell: Retribution (PS3)

Okay, I know this is a little soon since my last blog post, but I feel like talking about Ride to Hell while it is still fresh in my mind. So I'll spare the details, and just get straight into my First Impressions on Ride to Hell: Retribution, based on roughly half of the game finished.

Presentation

So right off the bat, we have a really shoddy opening cutscene; featuring a turret section, a QTE laced brawl, some aimless bike riding, and a cutscene in which our "protagonist", Jake Conway, kills a member of the Devil's Hand (more on that later). We're treated to another string of pretty awful looking/sounding cutscenes, which highlight just how poorly constructed the game is. We have ugly character models, stiff animations, flat and lifeless voice acting, and broken sound design. I say broken, because sound effects are either generic as all hell (like the stock explosion SFX), or they are completely absent. The music's alright though, since I do like some classic rock, though there just isn't much of it. Did I mention the graphic pop-in as well? Well, if the graphics weren't poor enough, textures take a few seconds to load in, just making the game look that much worse.

As far as story goes, well there isn't much to talk about; it is just a bog standard tale of revenge when Jake's brother is awkwardly murdered by a gang of bikers called the "Devil's Hand". That guy Jake killed in the opening? Yeah, he was one of the members, so the opening spoils a later plot point, so good start guys!

Gameplay

There are three types of gameplay here: bike riding, gun play, and brawling. Each style has their own set of issues, to the point of just being clunky and lazy. Bike riding sections feel really haphazard in execution due to how weightless the bike feels; sliding all over the road, with no proper reaction to collisions of any kind. You'll occasionally get thrust into a QTE with a fellow biker, after which they fall from their bike, which flies off and explodes...that's it. There is nothing more to it than that. Oh, you drive a truck at one point, but I've never driven a giant vehicle like that in a video game that felt even floatier than the bike! That shouldn't even be a thing! The riding sections are just a slippery mess overall, and don't get me started on the rider AND shooting sections in the side car!

Brawling uses a simple X-Square-X combo with little complexity to it, but I swear the buttons don't respond 40% of the time, leading to me taking a cheap shot from enemies. Either that, or they just guard constantly which is annoying as hell. The easiest way to fight? Mash Square. Just mash the Square button, and you'll eventually win. Guess TheRetroReplay and ProJared weren't kidding about that boss fight in the fight club. You'll occasionally get a Rage Attack prompt to kill enemies faster in another lazy QTE sequence, complete with a laughable close-up of Jake pulling his best "ANGREH!!!" face. And enemies don't try to murk you by fighting you all at once, instead opting to fight 1v1, with one occasionally trying get a cheap shot, but it is so telegraphed you can just counter them with no effort. Dirty fighting markers can also finish enemies quickly, and this is actually pretty useful, if slightly underused.

As for gun play, one of two things happen: either A) enemies will bum-rush you single file, making them head shot fodder, or B) the are so insanely accurate they can shoot you from unreasonable distances, or through the tiniest chip in your cover. The enemies are practically meat shields due to shrugging off bullets like nothing. When the fastest way to kill dudes is to shoot them in the head because shooting them elsewhere take too long (not talking 3-4 bullets here, more like 2-3 ROUNDS of pistol rounds ammo), you've failed at designing your gun play. There are guys who are immune to head shots, because they are wearing...hockey masks? Because you know, logic dictates that plastic can stop a bullet no problem. Blind-firing is also completely worthless since it goes into aiming mode anyway, and it is so inaccurate, even for hip shooting standards.

In the latter two, the enemies AI is so brain-dead that they don't use cover properly (sticking their heads out for easy head shots), stand out in the open, or, as I said before, bum-rush you. Whatever they do, they make themselves such easy targets that you can actually become a head shot master quite quickly in this game. The saddest part is that game is actually pretty easy on Badass Biker difficulty... except for the Airfield Cemetery where the difficult spikes radically; I have died more times in this one section than I cared to count because the leap was so great, and it was almost unfair because of how accurate the enemies became in this one section!

Tone, and the Gratuitous Sex!

I really hate the term "misogyny" since the word gets tossed around so aimlessly in today's climate, but I think the term applies here; the women in this game are treated like objects, as rewards for beating the ever-living shit out of the dudes harassing them... followed by some of the worst, yet strangely hilarious sex scenes I have ever laid eyes upon! The characters get it on like two mannequin dolls dry humping each other, fully clothed no less. And the horrible animation doesn't help either, what with their dead, emotionless faces and stiff movements. I thought sex scenes in any medium was supposed to be erotic, not creepy! Also, female character models have mostly been reused many times; I think I've only seen four models used, save for plot relevant characters like Sarah, the mechanic Jake meets early on.

Outside of the gratuitous sex scenes, all bikers are portrayed as mindless thugs who pick fight with people for no reason, and Jake's actions are borderline criminal, making him a difficult protagonist to root for. Of course, there is that one stupid mission where Jake murders some truckers, cops, and power plant workers, and blows up a hydro-electric dam, just to shut off an electric fence! Totally the kind of guy you want to cheer on, right? The game tries so desperately hard to appear rebellious, edgy, badass, and dangerous, but its approach to sex, masculinity, and the rebellious lifestyle are juvenile at best, likening to a child wearing his dad's clothes, or a hipster trying to look menacing. It's just plain laughable in how hard it tries to appear serious and deadly.

Final Thoughts

I'm roughly half way through the game, and I have say: I'm more bewildered by how much this game does poorly, and the sad part is, the game is very much playable. I haven't encountered any game breaking bugs or glitches as of yet, but being playable only highlights all of the things it does so badly even more. ProJared called the "offensive", but I'm curious about who it's offensive to; women, bikers, the concept of sex, better games that were cancelled, actual good games that came out before and after this, I don't know! Clunky controls, broken combat mechanics, poor driving physics, juvenile tone, bad voice acting, lame story, unlikeable characters, ugly graphics, and a complete disregard for quality, all culminate in one shitty package. I didn't really hate this game as much as I thought I would, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. It is a poor quality product, and it deserves to up there as one of the worst games of all time, simply because of how much it gets wrong in terms of narrative and gameplay.

ThunderKat's First Impression: Painful

