Blog:Pokémon Sword and Shield (joke page)

As part of 2020's April fools, I decided to make this "masterpiece" of a page.

"Pokémon Sword and Shield has... it has ruined my life. That (stutters) that's it, this- this is the worst game I have ever played. Nothing in my life is the same anymore. Music doesn't sound the same! Food! Food doesn't taste like anything anymore! NO, NO, NO! You don't get to go anywhere! Come here, sit the fuck down, and listen to me rant for 10 minutes about this goddamn game! Oh no, there aren't gonna be any parodies this review! We're not gonna have a fun ol' goofy time! Oh no, playtime is over! If I had to put up with this shit, you have to put up with this shit! And if I see ONE more, just ONE more asshole reviewer compare Zacian to Great Grey Wolf Sif from Dark Souls, I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET!!!"

- Strongly Annoyed Jose

Pokémon Sword and Shield are monster collecting RPGs "developed by Game FrEAk" according to Junichi Masuda. However, in reality, the game was actually developed by a bunch of chimpanzees and Hyrulean Gorons (and yes, Darunia, the Sage of Fire is one of them) who had no experience in video game development. That statement is in fact true, as my uncle's 2nd cousin's chihuahua works as an employee of LJN, one of the companies behind this abomination.

Plot
For the 348,574,289,130,609th time, you are a 12-year-old who has to choose between a grass, fire, or water type Digimon, and then go around the region collecting Star Spirits in order to battle against the most unbeatable champion of all time with no flaws whatsoever (DID I HAPPEN TO TELL YOU THAT HE IS THE GREATEST CHAMPION OF ALL TIME WITH NO FLAWS WHATSOEVER AND HE ALSO HAS A CHARIZARD?!). While collecting the Crystal Stars, the player will have to deal with a group of Discord mods who are simping for another 12-year-old (oh lord, call the FIB), an edgelord who dresses in pink, PINK, and PINK (It's all over, Marge! It's all over!), and team up with some hot chick to uncover the mysteries of two rainbow-colored doggos. Oh BTW, Leon is the greatest champion of all time with no flaws whatsoever, and has a Charizard (and I want him to fuck me in every way possible).

WHY IT SUCKS SO GODDAMN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 * 1) Jusushi "Thanos" Mesuda decided that it would be a genius idea to REMOVE OVER HALF THE EXISTING POKEMON!!!!!!!!!!!! HE CLAIMED THAT HE DID THIS TO "IMPROVE THE ANIMATIONS", BUT THE ANIMATIONS WERE RECYCLED FROM CARS ON THE PSP!!!!!! THIS IS FAKE NEWS!!!!!
 * 2) NOT ONLY IS HALF OF THE POKEMON MISSING, BUT ALMOST EVERY MOVE IS GONE AS WELL, ALL THAT LEFT IS DOUBLE KICK!!!!!!! My favorite move, Pursuit, is gone, SO I MIGHT AS WELL PURSUIT THE OLDER GAMES THAT HEVE IT! HAHA i MADE FUNNY PUN I'M SO FUNNY HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAAHAHAHASDMKAJFLPVGIOPER IMV  HISBJSFJFGIJHOPTHJTI!!!111111111!!!!!!1111
 * 3) * aLSO, why the flying fuck is Light of Ruin the only other move in the game? YET nO pOKIMAN CAN EVEN USE IT!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!
 * 4) It's the same fucking shit for over 20 YEARS NOW!!!!! There, go play some other pokemon game.
 * 5) The Wild Area doesn't even take up ONE PER-BUTTFUCKING-CENT of the ACTUAL MAP. You also can't even move the camera outside of the Wild area since Game Faggot could'nt be bothered to add graphics to the areas you can't see.
 * 6) The Galar region is about the size of Junichi Mesuckdick's cock (which is microscopic BTW). Now if the map was the size of Godd Howard's monster horse cock, IT WOULD BE 16  TIMES THE SIZE OF botw'S MAP!!!!!!!!!!
 * 7) The Galar Region is supposed to be based on "Great Britain", but it's instead based on Antarctica. WHY DID YOU LIE MASUDA!?!?!?!?!?
 * 8) Each and every single Gym Leader SUCKS FAT DONKEY TESTICLES!!!!!
 * 9) * Milo is a 5-year-old on STEROIDS!
 * 10) * Nessa WILL KILL THE PLAYER IF THEY DON'T PASS HER VIBE CHECK!!!! PROOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 11) * Kabu is a DUMB OLD COOT!!
 * 12) * Bea is barefoot, which is pandering to PEOPLE WITH FOOT FETISHES!!!!
 * 13) * Allister is a blatant rip-off of the Shy Guys from Mario. In fact, I BLASTED THIS SHIT WHILE BATTLING HIM!!!!!!!!!!
 * 14) * OPAL CAN PECK YOUR EYES OUT WITH THAT FUCKING NOSE OF HERS. She also quizzes you during her battle, making her battle a blatant rip-off of Gruntilda's battle from mh:awesomegames:Banjo-Tooie. P I N K
 * 15) * Gordie is unrealistically attractive. HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO GODDAMN THICC!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
 * 16) * Melony's too thicc as well.
 * 17) * Piers Looks like a retarded Obstagoon with that crappy-ass hairstyle of his.
 * 18) * Raihan IS A GINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! '0/10 WORST GAME EVER!!!!!!!!!!
 * 19) Rillaboom looks too much like Donkey Kong, Cinderace's arms are TOO SHORT, and Intelion is an anorexic Gex the Gecko.
 * 20) The fossil pokémon are an obvious rip-off of Sid's toys from Toy Story.
 * 21) Mr. Rime resembles the infamous British comedian Charlie Chaplin, who is known for being the LEAST FUNNIEST COMEDIAN OF ALL TIME!!!
 * 22) The Legendaries Zacian and Zamazenta are just doggos with a a sword in one's mouth, and a shield taped to the other's head. WOW THOSE ARE SOME GREAT DESIGNS!!! Also why Zamazenta looks like the KING OF THE RED LIONS, THE WORST ZELDA COMPANION EVER!?!?!?
 * 23) False advertising: According to a random guy on the internet, Todd Howard claimed that the game has "improved animations", BUT THE ANIMATIONS WERE RECYCLED FROM POKEMON RED AND BLUE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM!?!?!!!?!?!!?!?!?!??!???!!?!! #GameFreakLied #GameFreakLied #GameFreakLied #GameFreakLied #GameFreakLied #GameFreakLied #GameFreakLied
 * 24) Ugly as shit graphics that look like a Nintendo 64 game. HASN'T IGN MENTIONED THAT GRAPHICS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A GAME!!?!?!??? YOU KNOW YOU FUCKED ASS WHEN THE BEST LOOKING THIS IS THE FORBIDDEN TREE!!!
 * 25) * THAT RENDER DISTANCE DOH.
 * 26) * WHY IS THERE FRAMA-RATE ISSUES DESPITE THE 1940'S STYLE GRAPHICS? DID COCKSTAR NORTH OPTIMIZE THIS SHIT?!?!?!
 * 27) This game is so easy that I chopped my dick off, and let my dick playthough the game. HE BEAT IT WITHIN 3 HOURS, AND HE CAN'T EVEN SEE OR HEAR ANYTHING SINCE HE'S A DICK (literally)!!!!!!!!!!!! IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, I ONLY SCREAMED IN PAIN FOR 5 MINUTED WHEN I CHOPPED MY DICK OFF, AND SCREAMED FOR ONLY 2 MINUTES WHEN i GOT IT SEWED BACK ON! WATCH OUT BITCHES, WE GOT A BADASS OVER HERE (which is me, and totally not you)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 28) * Thanks to the Halloween theme, THE GAME GIVES YOU FREE EXP CANDY LIKE FREE CANDY, RESULTING IN MY POKEBOIS BECOMING LEVEL 80,085 IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES!
 * 29) In case it's not obvious enough, I CAN SHIT BETTER ANIMATIONS THAN THIS GAME!! JUST LOOK AT THIS SHIT, IS THE BIG DOGGO IN A MICROWAVE OR SOMETHING!?!?!? I MEAN LIKE FOR REAL THOUGH, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING WHEN THEY RECYCLED THE ANIMATION FROM DAYTONA USA?!?!?!?! THIS IS A ROLE-PLAYING GAME, AND CARS ON THE PSP IS A RACING GAME, SO RECYCLING ANIMATIONS FRON A ENTIELY DIFFERENT GENRE OF GAME IS COCKDICKINGLY RETARDED!!! THEY DIDN'T EVEN EXAMINE THEIR CUTSCENES SINCE YOU CAN SEE MOUSE CURSURE AND SHIT. HELL, IN ONE CUTSCENE, IT'S NOT EVEN IN FULLSCREEN, MEANING YOU CAN SEE THE SHIT IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE CUMPUTER. THEY USED MICROSOFT PAINT IN A COMPOOTER RUNNING WINDOWS 95, AND IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY ENOUGH, YOU CAN SEE JIZZNUCHI MASIDA'S SECRET HENTAI FOLDER (I bet it's all gay hentai too since he has the big gay). THE SHIT IS SO PRIMITIVE LOOKING, HOW DOES HOPPING INDICATE A KICK!? HOW DOES KICKING INDICATE A BUTTHEAD?! HOWS DOES A MOVE INVOLVING SOLIDS COME ACROSS AS A LIQUID SPLASH WHEN FIGHTING THE DYNAMAXED POKEMON!??! SEE THIS CRAPTASTIC BOWL OF CACTUS ASS!? YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, THEY RE-USED 3DS ANIMATIONS IN ADDITION TO RACING GAME ANIMATIONS AND 8-BIT ANIMATIONS! EVER WONDERED WHY THE VIRGIN HOP REMINDS YOU OF THE CHAD HAU? ITS BECAUSE HOP COPIES HAU'S STYLE (AKA RECYCLING HIS ANIMATIONS)!THEY ALSO RECYCLED THE SOUND EFFECTS FROM THE ELDER SCROLLS 4 OBLIVION, SO GET READY FOR ALL THE CRINGE ASS VOICE ACTING AND OTHER SFX THAT GAME HAD TO OFFER. THIS IS FILLER TEXT TO MAKE THIS RANT ABOUT THE ANIMATIONS LONGER THAN ACTUALLY IS!!
 * 30) Dumb mechanics that were designed for unborn embryo from Pokémon: Let's Go, Pikachu! and Let's Go, Eevee! have been introduced into this crapfest.
 * 31) Wild Pokémon will chase you in the overworld TO BATTLE WITH YOU! THIS IS POKEMON, NOT PAPER MARIO YOU DUMB HEADS!!!!!!!!!!
 * 32) HMs are once again absent. ADD THIS FEATURE BACK IN ALREADY FOR CHRIST SAKES, I MISS USING HM SLAVES!!!!!!!!
 * 33) The game is compatible with Pokémon HOME, some garbage """""service""""" that costs 600$ daily. More like Pokémon PRISON!
 * 34) Todd Mesuda tried to make the game less grindy. ARE YOU CRAZY!?!??! THAT WOULD MAKE THE GAME SHORTER!!!!
 * 35) The new Dynamaxing mechanic is a rip-off the the Mega Mushroom from the Mario franchise. Oh BTW, its complete inferior crap compared to Mega evolutions and Z-moves.
 * 36) * You can only dynamax in certain areas, WHICH IS STUPID AND MAKED THE GAME TOO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 37) * MEGA EVOLUTIONS AND Z-MOVES ARE GONE IN FAVOR OF THIS ABYSMALL MECHANIC!!! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!?!?!!??!!?!?! (Oh wait, they weren't)
 * 38) The Wild Area is a rip-off of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.
 * 39) * Players can participate in Max Raid Battles which are rip-offs of the raid boss fights in Borderlands 2
 * 40) Speaking of the totally not raid boss battles, those big grape cockheads put up some fucking shield to extend the otherwise 30 second battle by FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!!!!
 * 41) The story is complete donkey crap, as all it does is focus on the league challenge, SOMETHING THAT THE FIRST SIX PREVIOUS GENERATION FOCUSED ON!!!!!!
 * 42) * Oh what's that? Something interested happened? WELL FUCK YOUR BALLS SIDEWAYS, YOU AREN'T GONNA GET TO SEE IT!!!
 * 43) * Love getting interuppted EVERY STEP YOU TAKE? wELL THIS IS THA GAME FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 44) OH GOOD NUTTING CHRIST THE CHARACTERS.
 * 45) * DID YOU KNOW THAT LEON IS THE GREATEST CHAMPION OF ALL TIME WITH ABSOLUTELY NO FLAWS WHATSOEVER?! ALSO, DID YOU KNOW HE HAS A CHARIZARD!? I KNOW, CRAZY, AM I RIGHT?!!?!!?
 * 46) * Hop, the rival, is somehow worse than the Ice Age baby. THAT'S RIGHT, I JUST SAID IT!!!!
 * 47) * The champion Leon is just another professor Kukui, minus all the coolness of Kukui.
 * 48) * As stated above, Team yell consists of Discord mods who are simping for a 12-year-old girl. SOMEONE ARREST THESE PEDOBITCHES, THROW AWAY THE KEYS, AND HAVE THEIR CELLMATES BE BIG FAT BLACK HOMOSEXUAL MEN SO THEY HAVE SOME GOOD ASSFUCKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY HARDLY EVEN YELL EITHER, UNLIKE MR. TORGUE, WHO YELLS EVERYTHING HE SAYS!!! ALSO, IF YOU'RE NOT READIN THIS PAGE IN MR. TORGUE'S VOICE, DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND HAMMERCLAP YOUR OWN TESTICLES!!!!!!!!!!
 * 49) * ONE OF THE POST-GAME VILLAINS IS A LITERAL DICKHEAD!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHALOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLLOLOLOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 50) Most of tHE POST-GAME CONTENT IS LOCKED behind A $30 PAYWALL.
 * 51) The soundtrack is composed by a bunch of pigs with bagpipes. In case you couldn't tell, THAT'S A RETARDED IDEA!!!
 * 52) The Ball Guy is utterly terrifying looking. In fact when I saw him, I screamed and threw my controller at the TV, breaking the TV. THANKS FOR MAKING ME WASTE $400 JUNUCHI HOWARD!!!!
 * 53) The camping mechanic is very clearly a rip-off the the gang camp from Red Dead Redemption 2. GOOD LORD WHY CAN'T YOU BE CREATIVE FOR ONCE MEDUSA!!!?!?!?!?!?!
 * 54) The crappy bicycle returns. WHY NOT USE A MOTORCYCLE OR TAUROS TO RIDE ON!?!?? THAT'S FAR MORE BADASS!!!!!
 * 55) Festival Plaza from Sun and Moon, AN FUN FEATURE, IS REMOVED!! iT'S REPLACED WITH THE y-cOMM, WEHY THE Y-COMM!? HAHA I DID IT AGAIN!!! A MADE AN ABSULUTELY HYSTERICAL PUN THAT EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE WILL LAUGH AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 56) * With the Y-Comm, you can't send invites, can't send messages, can't customize your prfile, can't use the mic, use your webcam, eat, drink, piss, shit, go to bed, breathe, fuck, drive, sneeze, sing, dance, scream, laugh, talk, blink, fart, move any muscle in your body, chew gum, use your phone, or play Animal Crossing: New Leaf on your 3DS.
 * 57) Oh yeah, have fun getting disconnected every 3 asscheekfucking seconds thanks to Nintendo Bitch Online's Bitchiness.
 * 58) WHY IS THE GTS REMOVED AS WELL?!?!?!?!
 * 59) No sound setting until you get the Air pods, no graphic settings until you get the go-go-faggot goggles, YET THE RUNNING SHOES ARE STILL MISSING?!?!
 * 60) HIRE SOME VOICE ACTORE FOR FUCK SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 61) This game took me FFFFFFOOOOOOUUUURRRRRR HOOOOOUUUURRRRSSSSS!?!?!?! FOUR FUCKING HOURS TO BEAT!?!?!?!? And that was just me dying over and over again trying to beat Leon's Charizard with a level 2 Geodude while blindfolded and having my younger brother play for me. How long was it for others? *Checks the leaderboard* TWO HOURD AND FOURTEEN MINUTES?!?!?!!?!?!?!/1/1 AN RPG, THAT'S 2 HOURS, IS 60$!?!?!?! FUCK RAMBO: THE VIDEO GAME! THE FINAL VERDICT IS A 2/10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 62) Bullshit filler pointer.
 * 63) You can't catch overleved pokemon, making the game TOO HARD!
 * 64) Those shiny ass pokemon don't appear in the overworld unlike Let's Go Commit Tax Fraud/To The Polls, which is just a genuis butthead move on Junuchi Massindick.
 * 65) This is somehow more linear than Supah Mayro Shitshine!
 * 66) RepeLs are FUCKING WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!!! USE THEM TO REPEL THIS ASSING GARBAGE EXCUSE OF A """""GAME""""".
 * 67) Imagine relying on RNG to get berries. This pointer was made by the Planting Berries Gang. THIS AS A RESULT MAKES THE CRUUY DEX COMPLETION IMPOSSIBLE! In fact, that is a fact.
 * 68) * IN norder to make the Thickuid beer, you have to let the mash become a "magic brew" IN THE PORRIDGE TANK, and then roll the barrel of beer into a multifuntional bathroom for 10 years. nO one nows THIS except fOR the the late-teenth century French congress knows, BUT THEY'RE OLD AS FUCK (the youngest member is approximately 206 years old), YOU'LL HAVE TO CREWAM THE QUAESTION ON THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS AND HOPE THOSE OLD BASTARDS HEAR YOU!!!
 * 69) * You have to become a racist to make the Toaster Pastry. You then have to make the jam work out to become THICC (preferably like a thicc tomboy femboy, the ultimate lifeform). You have to do this for 8 MOOOOOOONNNNNNNNTTTHHHHSSSSSS!!!!!! OH, ALSO mKAE SURE TO gather wood TRees and paper!
 * 70) * You have to fist the French Toast WHILE LISTENING TO aLL The single Ladies (make sure not to die of cringe, because that song is hell on your ears) once you're done making it to maximize it's good flavor or something (I KNOW HOW TO BE A FLORIDA MAN, OKAY!?!? IM MOT A FUCKING COOK SPOKESPERSON!!).
 * 71) * In order to make the British Pork, you need Britich Pork (don't aske me how that works, it's like making a cake using a store-bought cake). You then need some baseballs and then you shit all over it (it's advised to call AVGN, he's the expert on fecal matters).
 * 72) * Making the Beereal requires growing rice for a thousand years, and then using it to make cereal and beer.
 * 73) * TO make the soup, you have to get a soup and eat it while also having enough money to pay for cable on demand.
 * 74) Here's some instruction to make your NINTENDO BITCH EXPLODE WITH THE DIGITAL COPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Michael Bay would be proud.
 * 75) According to another guy on the internet, the DLC was originally going to be in the base game. DID CRAPCOM COLLABORATE WITH TODD HOWARD TO DEVELOP THIS GAME OR SOMETHING!?!?!?!?!!? MIGHT AS WELL HAVE EA DEVELOP THE SEQUEL WHILE AT IT!!!!!!!
 * 76) * The """""following""""" pokemon don't even follow you, they just fucking teleport because Gayme Freeeeeeeek can't be bothered to make them actually follow you, BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY?!?!?!!?
 * 77) The new shiny sparkling animation is clearly designed for people obsessed with squares.
 * 78) Autosaving, a feature designed for morons, is added here.
 * 79) Adding onto #44, THEY PURPOSEFULY CUT POKÉMON JUST TO SELL THEM BACK!!! ISN'T THAT ILLEGAL!?!?!?!?!?!?!
 * 80) It's soundtrack is so bad that IT CAN SEND YOU TO PRISON!!!!!
 * 81) Breakable TMs return, because of fucking course they would.
 * 82) It rushed and overprice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 83) And to top all that, Greed FrEAk developed it with LJN! That's right, the worst company EVER IN EXISTENCE! IN FACT, NOW THAT I'M THINKING OF IT, MOST OF THIS GAME'S PROBLEMS IS BECAUSE OF THE LAUGHING JOKIN' NUMBNUTS!!!!!!!!!

The Only Redeeming Qualities

 * 1) Wooloo. 'Nuff said. For that, I give this masterpiece a 7/10.
 * 2) Fred Fuchs is thankfully not involved in development.
 * 3) Swampert, the greatest Pokémon of all time with absolutely no flaws whatsoever, returns in The Crown Tundra. IT'S ABOUT SHITTING TIME MY FAVORITE POKEMON RETURNS!!!!!!!!!!!
 * 4) * Blaziken also returns. Yee he pretty cool I guess.

Tips

 * 1) In order to keep your sanity intact, don't buy this game. If you see a copy of either version, you should run away as fast as you can while screaming and flailing your arms around like this guy. Or better yet, do some sky writing that reads "There's a couple of n*ggas here about to boost some cars" in case somebody didn't realize.

Trivia

 * If you look closely in the Wild Area, you can see the moon.
 * This is one of the few games in existence where the grass is green.
 * It's so bad that it actually has a page here, made by the same guy who made this blog.

Reception
Pokémon Sword and Shield was met with critical acclaim from shills who got paid by Juice Seduce Me, but was lambasted by sane people who have an IQ above 10. It is considered to be the worst thing in existence, even worse than Demise's hatred on Link and Zelda.

VIDEOS THAT HEPLED ME MAKE THIS MASTAPEECE OF A PAGE
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